Readers of this column may remember a column I wrote in November about turning 80. That column generated many responses.
Joanne, for example, a fellow octogenarian, told me, “John, you’re right. There is a big difference between being 79 and 80. Your body goes into a kind of a meltdown.”
That comment reflected what my doctor told me a few years ago: “John, you’re doing OK. But I want to warn you. Once you turn 80 things will be different. There will be many things you can do today that you won’t be able to do after you’re 80.”
And my friend David in Illinois, who reads my column online, sent me an article by Sarah Azman, entitled “The Silent Struggles of Being 80 Years Old.” Azman writes about what she calls the “unspoken challenges.”
She names four challenges: when familiar faces start to disappear, feeling left behind in a changing world, the search for meaning in a quiet life and navigating life with a slower body. I can relate to all four.
WHEN FAMILIAR FACES START TO DISAPPEAR. “It’s not just the people who pass away,” Azman wrote. “Some grow distant with time, unable to visit or talk like they once did. Health, distance or new responsibilities create quiet gaps where closeness once lived.”
In my life, just in the last year, I’ve seen many friends and one family member who have left this earth, including Sherry, John, Pat, George and my sister Joan. Others who I used to be in contact with (mainly by email) have stopped communicating, for reasons unknown (I hope it’s not because they have died).
FEELING LEFT BEHIND IN A CHANGING WORLD. I understand what Azman is saying. The world has changed a lot in my lifetime. Once upon time, I lived when people had not heard of, let alone used, computers, the internet, cell phones or social media or (God help us) artificial intelligence.
Sometimes the changes creep up on me, or as Azman writes, “Things you one understood now come with new rules, like paying bills.”
Two recent instances applied to me. A younger relative of mine was putting together a Super Bowl grid with each square purchased for $50 per individual. I might win big bucks, so I said sure. He said I could send him the money by Zelle or Venmo. Say what? I sent him a check.
The next day a friend of mine, in her early 50’s, told me it’s been years since she wrote a check. “People don’t write checks these days,” she said. “When did that happen?” I asked myself.
In some ways, I do feel left behind, but usually I say, “That’s fine. I’d rather stay behind with stuff I’m used to rather than using some new-fangled thing!”
THE SEARCH FOR MEANING IN QUIET DAYS. “There’s special kind of stillness that comes with being 80,” Azman wrote. “In that quiet, questions can arise, like “What is the purpose of my life now?”
This search is something I understand, even though I don’t have a lot of stillness or quiet time. Maybe that’s partially because I have an active 11-year-old grandson living with me, along with his parents.
When I do have quiet time, or solitude, I treasure it. I can daydream, think, reflect, pray, read and/or snooze, all of which appeal to me. As far as questions that arise, these are the same questions I’ve been asking since high school, questions about purpose or meaning that I continue to ponder.
NAVIGATING LIFE WITH A SLOWER BODY. “Climbing stairs, bending over, or even standing up from a chair feel like a task,” Azman wrote, and “a small trip to the store feels longer.”
Now this is something I can definitely relate to. What used to take me 10 minutes now takes me 30, like getting up and dressed in the morning. A walk around the block that took seven minutes now takes me 16 minutes (I’ve timed it). A trip to the grocery store that used to take 15 minutes now takes up to an hour.
My slow navigation is exacerbated by a gimpy left knee and hip. I use a cane now, at least for the time being. That tends to slow me down significantly, but it does result in a lot of sympathy and offers of help, as in, “Sir, can I help you put your groceries in the trunk?” To which I first say to myself, “No way! Do you think I’m some old decrepit man?!” and then quickly I reply aloud, “Thank you for your offer, but I think I can do this.”
After reading Azman’s article, I started to do a brief browse of the internet and found a number of other challenges that can appear for people once they reach 80, including a decline in muscle and bone strength, reduced balance, more prominent age spots becoming more prominent, slower metabolism, less efficient heart pumping, forgetfulness, anxiety, vision decline and hearing loss. Yikes!
To be clear, not all octogenarians experience all of these challenges. And challenges don’t necessarily lead to discouragement, especially if they are seen as new opportunities to overcome and move forward.
Many people 80 and older, including my friend David and me, agree with the sentiments of Ulysses (also known as Odysseus), a character in a poem by the Greek poet Homer in the 8th century B.C., as presented in the 19th century by the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson:
“Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’ / We are not now that strength which in old days / Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are; / One equal temper of heroic hearts, / Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will / To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”
John Spevak’s email is john.spevak@gmail.com.
