When someone hurts us, it can be difficult to move past the pain and forgive them. But what is forgiveness?
Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.
The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act’s grip on you. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you.
Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you even when you are justified in having those feelings. It also doesn’t necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness isn’t for the wrongdoer—it’s for you.
Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root.
If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by bitterness or a sense of injustice. Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.
Forgiveness is a commitment to change. It takes practice. To move toward forgiveness, you might recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life, identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive or join a support group or see a therapist.
You might also try to acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them, as well as choose to forgive the person who’s offended you and release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life.
Practicing forgiveness has been linked to greater feelings of happiness, hopefulness and optimism. The process of forgiveness can also protect against serious conditions such as anxiety and depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Christina Martinez, LCSW, is the Program Manager of the Los Banos Clinic of Merced County Behavioral Health and Recovery Services, located at 40 W. G. St.,Suite C, in Los Banos.
