BY REGINA BATTLE, LMFT
Contributing Writer
While most people are looking during the holidays to connect with family and friends, others are bracing themselves for the waves of sadness that grieving a loved one during the holidays can bring.
There are some impactful ways you can show support for those who are dealing with the profound and unique experience of loss and grief. Here are several ways to show you care this holiday season.
A person dealing with grief can often feel ‘stuck.” Understandably, they may be struggling to move beyond their loss while watching others go on with normal activities. To connect, you can say, ‘I’ve been thinking about you. How have you been feeling since the loss of your husband or wife or child or job?’ And then ask a very important question, “What have you been doing?’
Once they’ve shared, keep it at ‘I hear you’ or simply offer a hug, and then let them know they can talk about it when they are ready. Giving them space to talk freely goes a long way, especially when you do it without believing we have to fix or take away their pain.
Remember, the words “listen” and “silent” have the same letters; sometimes we have to do both.
Share words of encouragement. Whether you’re far away from your grieving loved one or they just want to be alone, a quick note can go a long way. A card, email, or text can show them you’re thinking of them during the holidays.
Make your support real. It’s easy to tell someone who’s grieving to call you if they need anything during the holidays, but more than likely they won’t. We don’t often willingly burden others with our problems, but we especially don’t want to unload our sorrow onto anyone during what’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.
After the loss, people are often supported for a short few days, weeks, perhaps a month. But then people get on with their own lives and the grieving are left with their loss. This is usually when the depression creeps in. The last thing they want to do is invite someone into their pain.
Instead of leaving the option open-ended, try offering something purposeful that will help lift their mood. Asking if you can stop by and cook dinner or take their kids off their hands so they can attend to some type of self-care.
Friends of grieving people tend to avoid talking about the loved one who passed away to avoid bringing up sad feelings associated with the loss. That’s a misconception.
It can be very healing for a grieving person to hear other people tell stories or share funny memories about the departed and for the grieving to be able to do the same. Be sensitive to whether or not the timing is appropriate. It may be helpful to practice your story before being in the grieving person’s presence, so you don’t say anything that may be insensitive.
The holidays can be challenging for those who are grieving because of previously established traditions that may now be too painful to continue. Help them to create new memories, traditions or practices that serve as a holding place for their grief, as well as help them to honor the life of their loved one. Perhaps volunteering, finding opportunities to “pay it forward” during this difficult time of year would be helpful.
Stay consistent. It’s easy to show up once or twice immediately after the loved one’s passing, but consistency is critical when supporting someone who is grieving.
Checking in occasionally without overwhelming the grieving person is a supportive way to let them know that you are concerned. Your consistency is the difference between feeling sorry for them and showing you care about them as someone experiencing a deep loss.
Additionally, it demonstrates that you understand grief is a life-long process, not a phase that just stops over time. Grief has no determined expiration date; it is non-linear and takes its own time.
Hopefully these tips can help a family member, friend, co-worker or neighbor with their grief process. Six weeks of the holiday season (Thanksgiving to Christmas) can be lonely; reminding them “you are not alone” will make a big difference.
(Regina Battle has been a resident of Los Banos since 2004. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified grief recovery specialist. She is in private practice in Los Banos at 928 Fourth Street. She recently retired from the Merced County Behavior Health and Recovery Services, where she worked in the Los Banos office at 40 West G St.)
